This question was taken from Dear Abby. The answer, however, is my own.
DEAR BLUEY: Our oldest daughter is being married soon. When we pulled out our wedding album to show her our pictures, my mother-in-law, “Edith,” started laughing and said she hoped our daughter’s wedding would be better than ours was. Then she said our wedding had been “an embarrassment,” and she wished she hadn’t invited any of her friends to it!
Bluey, her son and I have been married more than 25 years. This was the first time Edith has ever mentioned my “awful” wedding. My father-in-law tried to shut her up, but she went on and on about how she should have stepped in and “helped.”
My husband and I think his mother should apologize, but she says we are being “too sensitive.” My daughter is upset about it too.
We want Edith to be a part of our daughter’s wedding and festivities, but what kind of role should I allow her to have? I’m still angry and very, very hurt.
— MOTHER OF THE BRIDE IN MISSISSIPPI
Dear Mother of the Bride: You know I think I need to shorten that. Dear MOB. That works – it’s short, and puts in mind pitchforks and torches. Fantastic.
Dear MOB, let’s get one question out of the way here. It’s that whole elephant in the room type of thing, you know? Well, actually, I’ve never seen an elephant as they tend not to swim well out in the ocean, but you get the idea. Was your wedding an embarrassment, as Edith stated? Think back – after 25 years you should have a less rose-tinted view of the wedding. Was it everything you hoped and dreamed of? Or was it just that little bit blah? Did your wedding, in fact, suck?
Be honest. Now, if it was indeed embarrassing, then really what do you have to be upset about? Someone else recognized the tragic comedy that was your wedding, and called you on it. Weddings aren’t always what they’re built up to be, and some people make far too big a deal of them.
Now, on the other hand, if YOU think your wedding was lovely and not an embarrassment at all, then it’s Edith’s perception of the wedding that you’re unhappy with. You do realize you can’t control someone else’s perception of reality, don’t you? Let’s take a peek at why she may have thought it embarrassing.
1) Too cheap for her tastes – This would be classified as her problem. Ignore her, move on.
2) Didn’t like the food/colors/dresses/flowers/person who married you – Interestingly, these are also her problem, not yours. Shrug, ignore, move on.
3) She had a genuinely bad experience at the wedding such as food poisoning, a drunken letch, candid photographer shots while she was shoveling cake into her mouth, twisted an ankle while doing the Hustle out on the dance floor, etc – then she has a right to have found fault, but truly the fault is not yours, and after 25 years she should have (you guessed it) moved on from it.
4) Her friends told her it was embarrassing – And let’s face it, some friends are like that. As in, not really friends at all, but charming little insult moons that orbit your life influencing the tides of emotion. She either agreed with them, or was too weak willed to disagree. And what’s this? Not your problem either. File under Ignore. Catch the Move On train.
5) Your father in law got it on with a bridesmaid. Or a groomsman – That would be embarrassing. And sort of funny, if you think about it. Still…not your problem.
Can you see a little theme here? It’s not a hard one. She has an opinion. You have an opinion. These opinions do not match. Cogito ergo polypus, hostility.
Was Edith wrong for hanging onto this for 25 years and then blurting it out? Eh, I suppose. It had to come out one day that her opinion was different to yours.
Was Edith wrong to say you were too sensitive? Well, actually, that one’s on her. After poking someone in the eye with a stick, you shouldn’t expect them to react with anything but negativity.
Should you truly demand an apology? Nah. See, MOB, she’s not going to back down from this, even if she should have been nicer about it. Some people are like that. You’ve taken offense to her opinion, and that makes that your problem. You can choose to harbor it away for the next 25 years (ooh, or maybe even to Edith’s deathbed), and continue to feel insulted by the opinion of another – admittedly blunt – person, or you can forgive it, put it away, and move on.
Now to the end of your letter: Why would your daughter be upset? Did she have anything to do with your wedding? Am I sensing a bit of a bastard situation going on, or was she popped out afterward? It’s really nothing to do with her what Edith thought of your wedding. So she needs to get over it in a timely manner.
As to what sort of role you want to allow Edith to have – do you want her to have one at all? Actually, wait, let me rephrase that – does your daughter want her to have a role? After all, this one’s not yours, it’s hers. Even if you’re paying for this, she should be the one making that sort of decision. If it were me, I’d say the role should be no greater than Wedding Guest. But, you know, I’m an octopus. We don’t care so much about Mothers In Law.
Regards,
Bluey.
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